Atonement

It's 2AM and I totally put this off, now I feel so tired to think and write. But anyways I said I would write one and I will do so!

Recently, events have passed and things have changed dramatically for me. For the longest time I've been fighting the conflicts inside me and it's led up to this day. Feelings were resolved and things went better than expected. In fact wow, I didn't lose anybody important to me. It seems like one of those worked up over nothing deals and all you had to do was simple and things would have been alright. But then that feeling usually happens after it's happened. There was no way anyone could have convinced me that before it happens. Sometimes fear takes a strong hold on you.

It actually feels like the end of a story for me. Well obviously not exactly, but yes a major part of my life has concluded but there's a new story waiting to unfold. This ending was a happy one, I managed keep a very important person as my friend. And my friends, are still my friends who I'm always grateful for.

Saturday was for me the epilogue of the story. It was time to tie up all loose ends. I'm not proud of what I did. The guilt I feel can't be measured. I lied to you, even though I hated lying so much. You know my reasons, but others don't. I don't want to talk specifics here, but I do intend to talk about it to those willing to listen.

Now to the title of this post. You understood me when I told you my reasons and I'm so grateful. But that still doesn't mean I don't have to pay for the crimes I've committed. I owe you and everyone so much, and this is how I'm going to do it. I'm going to do my best to be a good friend to you. And for everyone else I am going to do my best and be there for everyone else too. I'm going to be the good person you say I am and be worthy of having people look up to me like you said. I actually don't know what it is about me that would make me worthy, but as long as I'm completely honest with myself, it should be okay.

If you ever need to continue talking about this, I'll always be there. And now it's 3AM. Time for sleep.