Mortem

Been raining all week, it's been a crazy week, being at uni everyday just like last semester, though it's different. Company has changed, and while it's obviously a different feeling, I appreciate it nonetheless.

Almost everyday I think about death. Not saying I want to commit suicide, no choosing to die is not the same as not having the choice given to you. Just saying that if I were to suddenly die without a choice, it wouldn't be so bad. As long as I work hard and do my best for myself and others while I'm still breathing then I have no regrets. My only regret is that I've let things become the way they are. The irony of things is that I don't want people to get hurt, yet people are hurting. How could I hurt people you may ask. Well probably because I'm fighting demons. Yeah this is the first time I've ever admitted to this kind of thing but then again who doesn't have demons? I wrote a whole post about these demons of mine, well it's not finished, but I never intended to post it anyway. Why am I even saying all this stuff now? I suppose it's about time I stopped pretending that I was 100% fine. But then again who is really?

I hope things will be okay. Only time will tell.

Rain

Today I missed my bus going home from QvB station. Seeing that it would take another twenty minutes I decided to walk home. I'm glad I did. Something about walking in the rain (with an umbrella of course) feels nice, even a bit soothing. It's also a time where I can think about things, let my mind wander, that kind of jazz.

Actually have no idea why I'm writing this, just felt like sharing my simple experience of walking in the rain. Got an exam tomorrow, I'm confident, but it's a fool's confidence, as I haven't really gone through the lectures properly and my study has been solely on last years paper.

What's happenin?

Currently enjoying B1A4's new song, which like almost all the new songs out seem like a bunch of random songs in one. First time I heard something like that was B.A.P's No Mercy. Yeah was I the only one who found the huge contrast in the parts of songs weird? Anyways Jaye was going to do B1A4's song so I decided I could spend a few hours heading over and checking it out. In a turn of events I ended up teaching which I did not expect doing, especially since I haven't taught in ages. And I haven't even learnt it enough to teach. Luckily I had 15 minutes to learn it properly.

Had three students, one of which was a total new person. They seemed to cope well, I mean I wasn't prepared mentally and knowledgeably but I did the best I could. Luckily the dance wasn't too hard, I ended up teaching the entire song, though only 2/3 students found it easy. Which makes me wonder how I should help the other person, do I slow the entire class down for the one person at the expense of the others? Or is it a balance thing?

I've learned a lot from Alan not just in popping but in dance and teaching. I kinda wanted to try out some teaching methods like some kind of experiment but yeah I was rushed, didn't even get to stretch the class so it felt weird if I tried to do so. Maybe next time, whenever that is haha.

On the uni side, I have another quiz to do on Friday, hopefully I'll be ready by then. Going to hit the library every day after class, including Wednesday which sucks but I have to make that sacrifice now. Anyways Friday would be more fun anyway, probably. If only I didn't have to deal with 3 labs before that quiz. Luckily Ling let me use his excel template so I didn't have to do any prework. Now I have to deal with Physical Chem and Physiology lab. I hope PHSL doesn't pull another random quiz which I totally failed last time.

I noticed I used the word lucky in this post a lot. Which makes me think of how lucky I am to have friends I can count on and etc. But there's the back in my head thing of doubting that I deserve it all. I feel so weak these days, I just want to break out of it.

So out of it

1:45AM now, I should be working on my lab reports due on Monday but I'm so out of it. I have to complete five reports and yeah that includes writing out the results and completing the questions which I am totally lazy to do right now. So far I've managed to gather them up and put them on the floor to organise. At the same time I'm converting footage from kpop summit which is taking forever and it's quite a drag. Wouldn't have this problem if we stopped using tape cameras. But yeah we all agreed not to use that anymore. I suppose that this is another pressure on me to do things but not much I can do to make things easier, this is the work that must be done. I signed up for this. Did I mention how out of it I feel? lol.

I don't know if it's that second year is harder or that I'm being more lazy, but I feel like I'm going to get lower grades than I ever got. Not that it worries me right now, I'll see how it turns out at the end of semester. But for the moment, seems like there are so many things happening right now and I can't keep up. So many problems. I just want to rest for a bit. Maybe do some exercise.

Pretty excited for Iron Man 3 though.

Up in the air

lol I just realised my most recent post was that sad one and it's been there for like ages now, how awkward. Anyways, I just finished my midsem for Analytical Chemistry which technically has no chemistry theory but a lot of maths stuff. Damn statistics, I thought I escaped you! Turns out you're involved in EVERY SINGLE experiment I do. Now that that's done I can now relax a bit for now. Lately I've been up late (latest I've been was 4am) mostly due to studying for exams as well as having to do work that is due like online quizzes and prelabs.

Luckily keeping me sane during late night studies has been Infinite's Man in Love. I find it a very nice song and it gets me pumped to do work.

Parents made green tea creme brulee. I wanted to make them myself haha but that's okay, I'll do it next time.

Popping intensive with Alan has been quite challenging, especially since I essentially have to master everything he teaches in class before the next class, and then be able to use it in freestyle... Yeah I haven't really set time to just practice with music. Just two more weeks till the course finishes. I already miss bumper cars/late night times with the others ):

Oh sweet 30 Seconds to Mars is going to release their new MV soon, although the song has been out for a bit now. I feel like 30STM put the art in artist. They seem to do a lot of big things, and things that haven't been done before. Their most recent action? Using NASA to sent their new album into space.

my mind is shattered to many pieces. I don't know when or how this happened exactly but I no longer think with a complete mind. Thoughts go in all directions I think I might go insane. I hope time can cure me of my mind.

e.g.
I suppose the difference between you and me is that I do not fear loneliness. Sometimes I think that loneliness is all I deserve.

Cooking Time - Crème brûlée

Today I tried out my hand at making a Crème brûlée. It didn't require a sophisticated amount of ingredients so yeah this is what happened.

Ingredients

Everything was easy to obtain, except the vanilla beans. Sure I could have gotten the essence but that sounded so artificial and I managed to find some at World Square albeit a hefty price of $8 per 4 pods.

Process

Scolding the cream and added the vanilla

Whisking eggs and sugar. My arm got really sore from whisking

Once the cream was ready I mixed it with the eggs

Placed the mix into the ramekins. Hmm they were right, it does serve four

Into the oven for 40 minutes. Realised I didn't preheat the oven. Also this oven confuses me. So many modes.

Out of the oven, looking good so far. Waited for it to cool before fridging them.

Finished product

After taking them out of the fridge I decided to experiment with different sugars for the caramel. I thought brown sugar would be good but my brown sugar was way too clumpy and didn't distribute well. My parents wanted to try their sugar and it turned out okay (left) but the sugar granules were a bit too big to make a good layer. Lastly I tried the caster sugar that I cooked with. The powder texture of the sugar made caramelising much easier. Next time I'll try brown caster sugar or something.

Verdict

They tasted okay, however they didn't set! Unsure where I went wrong but it was like eating custard. It might have been the oven so next time I'll take proper care of that part. I took some notes so I'll try again next time. Also I need better utensils such as measuring cups and etc, to make it more efficient. I also didn't preheat the oven, so I wasted precious time waiting for the oven to get ready. So I'll definitely make starting the oven the first thing I do.