blogs?

I had an unfinished blog this week about stuff like my birthday and stuff. But after seeing other blogs I feel like not finishing it anymore, not because of the contents of that blog (which wasn't much anyway) but because I myself feel, in a way, lost for words.

Atonement

It's 2AM and I totally put this off, now I feel so tired to think and write. But anyways I said I would write one and I will do so!

Recently, events have passed and things have changed dramatically for me. For the longest time I've been fighting the conflicts inside me and it's led up to this day. Feelings were resolved and things went better than expected. In fact wow, I didn't lose anybody important to me. It seems like one of those worked up over nothing deals and all you had to do was simple and things would have been alright. But then that feeling usually happens after it's happened. There was no way anyone could have convinced me that before it happens. Sometimes fear takes a strong hold on you.

It actually feels like the end of a story for me. Well obviously not exactly, but yes a major part of my life has concluded but there's a new story waiting to unfold. This ending was a happy one, I managed keep a very important person as my friend. And my friends, are still my friends who I'm always grateful for.

Saturday was for me the epilogue of the story. It was time to tie up all loose ends. I'm not proud of what I did. The guilt I feel can't be measured. I lied to you, even though I hated lying so much. You know my reasons, but others don't. I don't want to talk specifics here, but I do intend to talk about it to those willing to listen.

Now to the title of this post. You understood me when I told you my reasons and I'm so grateful. But that still doesn't mean I don't have to pay for the crimes I've committed. I owe you and everyone so much, and this is how I'm going to do it. I'm going to do my best to be a good friend to you. And for everyone else I am going to do my best and be there for everyone else too. I'm going to be the good person you say I am and be worthy of having people look up to me like you said. I actually don't know what it is about me that would make me worthy, but as long as I'm completely honest with myself, it should be okay.

If you ever need to continue talking about this, I'll always be there. And now it's 3AM. Time for sleep.

Mortem

Been raining all week, it's been a crazy week, being at uni everyday just like last semester, though it's different. Company has changed, and while it's obviously a different feeling, I appreciate it nonetheless.

Almost everyday I think about death. Not saying I want to commit suicide, no choosing to die is not the same as not having the choice given to you. Just saying that if I were to suddenly die without a choice, it wouldn't be so bad. As long as I work hard and do my best for myself and others while I'm still breathing then I have no regrets. My only regret is that I've let things become the way they are. The irony of things is that I don't want people to get hurt, yet people are hurting. How could I hurt people you may ask. Well probably because I'm fighting demons. Yeah this is the first time I've ever admitted to this kind of thing but then again who doesn't have demons? I wrote a whole post about these demons of mine, well it's not finished, but I never intended to post it anyway. Why am I even saying all this stuff now? I suppose it's about time I stopped pretending that I was 100% fine. But then again who is really?

I hope things will be okay. Only time will tell.

Rain

Today I missed my bus going home from QvB station. Seeing that it would take another twenty minutes I decided to walk home. I'm glad I did. Something about walking in the rain (with an umbrella of course) feels nice, even a bit soothing. It's also a time where I can think about things, let my mind wander, that kind of jazz.

Actually have no idea why I'm writing this, just felt like sharing my simple experience of walking in the rain. Got an exam tomorrow, I'm confident, but it's a fool's confidence, as I haven't really gone through the lectures properly and my study has been solely on last years paper.

What's happenin?

Currently enjoying B1A4's new song, which like almost all the new songs out seem like a bunch of random songs in one. First time I heard something like that was B.A.P's No Mercy. Yeah was I the only one who found the huge contrast in the parts of songs weird? Anyways Jaye was going to do B1A4's song so I decided I could spend a few hours heading over and checking it out. In a turn of events I ended up teaching which I did not expect doing, especially since I haven't taught in ages. And I haven't even learnt it enough to teach. Luckily I had 15 minutes to learn it properly.

Had three students, one of which was a total new person. They seemed to cope well, I mean I wasn't prepared mentally and knowledgeably but I did the best I could. Luckily the dance wasn't too hard, I ended up teaching the entire song, though only 2/3 students found it easy. Which makes me wonder how I should help the other person, do I slow the entire class down for the one person at the expense of the others? Or is it a balance thing?

I've learned a lot from Alan not just in popping but in dance and teaching. I kinda wanted to try out some teaching methods like some kind of experiment but yeah I was rushed, didn't even get to stretch the class so it felt weird if I tried to do so. Maybe next time, whenever that is haha.

On the uni side, I have another quiz to do on Friday, hopefully I'll be ready by then. Going to hit the library every day after class, including Wednesday which sucks but I have to make that sacrifice now. Anyways Friday would be more fun anyway, probably. If only I didn't have to deal with 3 labs before that quiz. Luckily Ling let me use his excel template so I didn't have to do any prework. Now I have to deal with Physical Chem and Physiology lab. I hope PHSL doesn't pull another random quiz which I totally failed last time.

I noticed I used the word lucky in this post a lot. Which makes me think of how lucky I am to have friends I can count on and etc. But there's the back in my head thing of doubting that I deserve it all. I feel so weak these days, I just want to break out of it.

So out of it

1:45AM now, I should be working on my lab reports due on Monday but I'm so out of it. I have to complete five reports and yeah that includes writing out the results and completing the questions which I am totally lazy to do right now. So far I've managed to gather them up and put them on the floor to organise. At the same time I'm converting footage from kpop summit which is taking forever and it's quite a drag. Wouldn't have this problem if we stopped using tape cameras. But yeah we all agreed not to use that anymore. I suppose that this is another pressure on me to do things but not much I can do to make things easier, this is the work that must be done. I signed up for this. Did I mention how out of it I feel? lol.

I don't know if it's that second year is harder or that I'm being more lazy, but I feel like I'm going to get lower grades than I ever got. Not that it worries me right now, I'll see how it turns out at the end of semester. But for the moment, seems like there are so many things happening right now and I can't keep up. So many problems. I just want to rest for a bit. Maybe do some exercise.

Pretty excited for Iron Man 3 though.

Up in the air

lol I just realised my most recent post was that sad one and it's been there for like ages now, how awkward. Anyways, I just finished my midsem for Analytical Chemistry which technically has no chemistry theory but a lot of maths stuff. Damn statistics, I thought I escaped you! Turns out you're involved in EVERY SINGLE experiment I do. Now that that's done I can now relax a bit for now. Lately I've been up late (latest I've been was 4am) mostly due to studying for exams as well as having to do work that is due like online quizzes and prelabs.

Luckily keeping me sane during late night studies has been Infinite's Man in Love. I find it a very nice song and it gets me pumped to do work.

Parents made green tea creme brulee. I wanted to make them myself haha but that's okay, I'll do it next time.

Popping intensive with Alan has been quite challenging, especially since I essentially have to master everything he teaches in class before the next class, and then be able to use it in freestyle... Yeah I haven't really set time to just practice with music. Just two more weeks till the course finishes. I already miss bumper cars/late night times with the others ):

Oh sweet 30 Seconds to Mars is going to release their new MV soon, although the song has been out for a bit now. I feel like 30STM put the art in artist. They seem to do a lot of big things, and things that haven't been done before. Their most recent action? Using NASA to sent their new album into space.