...

My life might have taken a turn for the worst. If that's the case, I don't know how I'll cope or handle it. I don't know what to do and I'm scared. I can't afford to make any mistakes. I still can't believe what I saw, part of me really wants me to pretend I was wrong. But I am 90% sure of what I saw, and it's quite haunting.

To those who read this, don't take things for granted, cause right now I would trade my life for anyone of yours.

Moral choices

What lengths would you go to do what was right? If someone was not working as hard as expected, to the point of stressing you and others, would you do something about it?

Just saying now that this is about what happened in my uni, so pretty much anyone reading this wouldn't know what I'm talking about. Anyways yeah. A person found out I was one of the people who gave this person a less than good peer evaluation. Because that person legit didn't do a good job, and it forced the rest of us to work harder. But now this person thinks I'm the sole cause of the drop in the marks and proceeded to delete me on facebook. And then block me.

Now I'm wondering if I did the right thing. Should I have done what usual students do and just fudge it and give everyone good review? Well maybe I would if it wasn't that bad, but if it pissed my friend off, then it had to be pretty bad. But I don't believe in that. Seems like all students care about is the numbers that get them the degree, without actually caring about the things taught along the way. I had the opportunity of having a great chemistry demonstrator, who won't be demonstrating anymore because he believed that the system was wrong. 

In our lab, we get marked on how much product we make. Now thing is, they don't actually check, they just have to look at our report. Also purity of the compound isn't checked, so I could literally add sand and no one could prove me wrong that I had a low yield. This makes puts a focus on just that, getting a good yield, and not actually learning how to do it. Like really, they didn't teach us any techniques to increase yield, so pretty much the lecture content doesn't really play a big part in this.

Anyways what he said was that people only care about the piece of paper at the end of the degree, but unless we take what was taught, that's all it will be, a piece of paper. Looking at myself, that's pretty true, I memorise things just so I can get marks, then forget about them. Would I have any skills by the time I graduate? I hope so. But yeah, it's hard when some things aren't interesting to me.

Going back on topic, While it is regretful that I caused someone displeasure, at least it's targeted at me only. I can deal with that, as long as the others are fine.

Last week of uni, and exams starts soon. Strangely, this is my favourite time of the semester. Well, there's nothing new to learn, and something about spending an entire day with my friends feels nice. But now, things have changed, things aren't the same anymore and how that would affect things, I don't know. All I know is that as long as I can be there and helpful for the people I care about, I'm happy.

Resolve

Teaching classes

It's now been 2 weeks into my course classes. So far it's going okay, students who have taken my first class improved with the old stuff pretty well. I think there were new students too this week, but they came late and just stood at the back. So I did the change rows thing every now and then so they could see better, but then again there's a dilemma I feel that I shouldn't really be helping them catch up since it would be unfair to those who paid for the first class. But it's okay I only quickly skimmed it and the previous students know it anyway. Also unsure if the choreo itself is too hard, or I'm not being slow enough. Had people tell me to not keep learning new stuff, which meant I couldn't teach everything I wanted to this week. Also unsure if Jaye wants this to be a performance like his BTS class. When I think about it I dread the formations that I'll need to do..

I do a decent job, right?

Uni life

Wait what uni life? Just got reminded that I'll need to choose electives and set timetables soon. No more biology/physiology stuff now but now it's just chem and pharmacology. I felt like doing Japanese as my elective cause I thought it would be easy so I saved it for my last year. But after watching Ling and Norman study it, I'm not so sure anymore. I'll probably end up doing it anyway, cause I can't think of anything. I also need to do one more free elective next sem. Not sure what it'll be though.

I also want to start kendo next year, it'll probably just mean staying back in uni one or two days a week. I want to do it because it's not just about learning how to hit people with sticks. I heard it's actually quite philosophical and has teachings applicable to life, compared to karate. Probably due to the philosophies and virtues of the samurai. My ambition is to reach 1st Dan. For those who don't know, you start off as 9th Kyu, then down to 1st Kyu, then after that is 1st Dan which then goes up to like 8th Dan. So pretty much midway. Hopefully I'll improve myself as a person along the way.

Media

Now that I'm head, I feel like things can actually happen. I think media has a huge potential and I just need to come up with ideas. First of all I'll need to figure out a workflow. Gonna need to wait for the second computer to be installed to implement them.

misc.

Just remembered I could talk about work but way too ceebs right now. Anyways currently watching this ongoing new anime, which I think is the best thing ever. I won't say the name of it for reasons... but if you're curious you can ask haha. People would either think it's the best thing ever, or the most ridiculous piece of garbage, don't think there's a middle ground. That's all for now, getting sleepy.

Where to go from here

This month so far has been quite eventful. Things happened which made me really depressed, to the point where my mind tore itself apart. Ultimately I confronted ____, and got the truth. I wish I could say I was surprised, but I'm not. Deep down I believed this was the reason why there was silence between us. However what really made me sad, was being treated like less of a friend. The fun atmosphere I had between you and I, before things got complicated was gone. Well, at least people can't say that we get along really well anymore. What also made me sad, was that you didn't tell me. I tried so hard to keep things together, when it was really for nothing.

I actually believe this is karma. I knew somehow I would have to pay for the things I've done. I suppose it is better this way. Now I'm here, wandering with no sense of direction with no clear goal. On the plus side, things are quiet now. Maybe my goal shall be peace.

Although for some reason, this person gets on my nerves. Maybe it's because things are quiet that my mind has nothing to do but feel anger. Probably not, during that eventful week, him and other things at the studio made me feel so sick, I had to go outside and walk around like twice. I don't know, things just feel so unnatural. Guess this person isn't the type of person I'd get along with. Even though when I met him the first time which was like ages ago, I tried to like him but then I guess I had to be someone of importance to be noticed. One thing's for sure, I don't want this person involved in my life, at all.

So much for finding peace eh? Well nobody said it was easy.

Been listening to this for awhile now, maybe it's my anthem?

The greatest gift

Now You See Me

After watching it I can say that it was a good movie. There are movies that you feel obliged to watch like Iron Man 3, Man of Steel, etc and then there are movies like this where you don't really have to watch it but when you do you feel like you haven't wasted money.

The movie was quite noticeably fast paced with only minimal slow moments which made the movie as a whole more exciting like one of the magic acts. But then this is at the cost of not getting that deep into any of the characters all you got was small back story (if any) and personal traits. Then there's that Interpol woman, she seemed quite out of place, as in how she got involved in the first place didn't seem believable and wasn't really explained. Be that as it may, watching the entire movie unfold was entertainment in itself. Also there's a sequel confirmed, expectations run high now haha

Uni Life

In week 3 now, and so far so good. This week I don't have 2 labs which gives me time to not stress so much and catch up on work. I've made it my goal to at least try to be ahead in all lectures, cause depending on lecturer it makes quite a difference. Once you've read over it and stuff you now won't be caught off guard on what happens in the lecture. You won't have to waste brain power trying to learn what's going on as it happens and most importantly you can put all your attention to what the lecturer says. Tomorrow I have the whole day to myself, so I expect myself to complete all work by then, hopefully. I still don't like my CHEM2021 labs. Demonstrators are really uptight except for one who actually helps us with our experiment. That guy is the only reason to keep hope that future labs won't be so bad.


Feelings (lol)

Bet you weren't expecting I'd be writing about this kind of stuff huh? Well with all this talk about feelings I feel like talking about them too, but then my problems aren't as important as the others in terms of where we currently are in our lives. So I suppose I'll just write about them here, for people interested.

For me I just can't shake the feeling of uncertainty. It's probably just paranoia but I'm not sure if it's the normal amount or the bad amount. Then there's feelings of inadequacy too but that comes and goes. Luckily today I found some words that gave me an instant morale boost. It goes like this:

These words have given me more motivation to keep working on myself and being the best I can be, to always stay positive and improve in any way I can. But at the end of the day, I still miss you.

And I wonder if you ever miss me too. 

one more thing

I walked away not because I was mad, if it was to be between you or me, I want you to be the one happy surrounded by friends.

blogs?

I had an unfinished blog this week about stuff like my birthday and stuff. But after seeing other blogs I feel like not finishing it anymore, not because of the contents of that blog (which wasn't much anyway) but because I myself feel, in a way, lost for words.