Where to go from here

This month so far has been quite eventful. Things happened which made me really depressed, to the point where my mind tore itself apart. Ultimately I confronted ____, and got the truth. I wish I could say I was surprised, but I'm not. Deep down I believed this was the reason why there was silence between us. However what really made me sad, was being treated like less of a friend. The fun atmosphere I had between you and I, before things got complicated was gone. Well, at least people can't say that we get along really well anymore. What also made me sad, was that you didn't tell me. I tried so hard to keep things together, when it was really for nothing.

I actually believe this is karma. I knew somehow I would have to pay for the things I've done. I suppose it is better this way. Now I'm here, wandering with no sense of direction with no clear goal. On the plus side, things are quiet now. Maybe my goal shall be peace.

Although for some reason, this person gets on my nerves. Maybe it's because things are quiet that my mind has nothing to do but feel anger. Probably not, during that eventful week, him and other things at the studio made me feel so sick, I had to go outside and walk around like twice. I don't know, things just feel so unnatural. Guess this person isn't the type of person I'd get along with. Even though when I met him the first time which was like ages ago, I tried to like him but then I guess I had to be someone of importance to be noticed. One thing's for sure, I don't want this person involved in my life, at all.

So much for finding peace eh? Well nobody said it was easy.

Been listening to this for awhile now, maybe it's my anthem?

The greatest gift

Now You See Me

After watching it I can say that it was a good movie. There are movies that you feel obliged to watch like Iron Man 3, Man of Steel, etc and then there are movies like this where you don't really have to watch it but when you do you feel like you haven't wasted money.

The movie was quite noticeably fast paced with only minimal slow moments which made the movie as a whole more exciting like one of the magic acts. But then this is at the cost of not getting that deep into any of the characters all you got was small back story (if any) and personal traits. Then there's that Interpol woman, she seemed quite out of place, as in how she got involved in the first place didn't seem believable and wasn't really explained. Be that as it may, watching the entire movie unfold was entertainment in itself. Also there's a sequel confirmed, expectations run high now haha

Uni Life

In week 3 now, and so far so good. This week I don't have 2 labs which gives me time to not stress so much and catch up on work. I've made it my goal to at least try to be ahead in all lectures, cause depending on lecturer it makes quite a difference. Once you've read over it and stuff you now won't be caught off guard on what happens in the lecture. You won't have to waste brain power trying to learn what's going on as it happens and most importantly you can put all your attention to what the lecturer says. Tomorrow I have the whole day to myself, so I expect myself to complete all work by then, hopefully. I still don't like my CHEM2021 labs. Demonstrators are really uptight except for one who actually helps us with our experiment. That guy is the only reason to keep hope that future labs won't be so bad.


Feelings (lol)

Bet you weren't expecting I'd be writing about this kind of stuff huh? Well with all this talk about feelings I feel like talking about them too, but then my problems aren't as important as the others in terms of where we currently are in our lives. So I suppose I'll just write about them here, for people interested.

For me I just can't shake the feeling of uncertainty. It's probably just paranoia but I'm not sure if it's the normal amount or the bad amount. Then there's feelings of inadequacy too but that comes and goes. Luckily today I found some words that gave me an instant morale boost. It goes like this:

These words have given me more motivation to keep working on myself and being the best I can be, to always stay positive and improve in any way I can. But at the end of the day, I still miss you.

And I wonder if you ever miss me too. 

one more thing

I walked away not because I was mad, if it was to be between you or me, I want you to be the one happy surrounded by friends.

blogs?

I had an unfinished blog this week about stuff like my birthday and stuff. But after seeing other blogs I feel like not finishing it anymore, not because of the contents of that blog (which wasn't much anyway) but because I myself feel, in a way, lost for words.

Atonement

It's 2AM and I totally put this off, now I feel so tired to think and write. But anyways I said I would write one and I will do so!

Recently, events have passed and things have changed dramatically for me. For the longest time I've been fighting the conflicts inside me and it's led up to this day. Feelings were resolved and things went better than expected. In fact wow, I didn't lose anybody important to me. It seems like one of those worked up over nothing deals and all you had to do was simple and things would have been alright. But then that feeling usually happens after it's happened. There was no way anyone could have convinced me that before it happens. Sometimes fear takes a strong hold on you.

It actually feels like the end of a story for me. Well obviously not exactly, but yes a major part of my life has concluded but there's a new story waiting to unfold. This ending was a happy one, I managed keep a very important person as my friend. And my friends, are still my friends who I'm always grateful for.

Saturday was for me the epilogue of the story. It was time to tie up all loose ends. I'm not proud of what I did. The guilt I feel can't be measured. I lied to you, even though I hated lying so much. You know my reasons, but others don't. I don't want to talk specifics here, but I do intend to talk about it to those willing to listen.

Now to the title of this post. You understood me when I told you my reasons and I'm so grateful. But that still doesn't mean I don't have to pay for the crimes I've committed. I owe you and everyone so much, and this is how I'm going to do it. I'm going to do my best to be a good friend to you. And for everyone else I am going to do my best and be there for everyone else too. I'm going to be the good person you say I am and be worthy of having people look up to me like you said. I actually don't know what it is about me that would make me worthy, but as long as I'm completely honest with myself, it should be okay.

If you ever need to continue talking about this, I'll always be there. And now it's 3AM. Time for sleep.

Mortem

Been raining all week, it's been a crazy week, being at uni everyday just like last semester, though it's different. Company has changed, and while it's obviously a different feeling, I appreciate it nonetheless.

Almost everyday I think about death. Not saying I want to commit suicide, no choosing to die is not the same as not having the choice given to you. Just saying that if I were to suddenly die without a choice, it wouldn't be so bad. As long as I work hard and do my best for myself and others while I'm still breathing then I have no regrets. My only regret is that I've let things become the way they are. The irony of things is that I don't want people to get hurt, yet people are hurting. How could I hurt people you may ask. Well probably because I'm fighting demons. Yeah this is the first time I've ever admitted to this kind of thing but then again who doesn't have demons? I wrote a whole post about these demons of mine, well it's not finished, but I never intended to post it anyway. Why am I even saying all this stuff now? I suppose it's about time I stopped pretending that I was 100% fine. But then again who is really?

I hope things will be okay. Only time will tell.

Rain

Today I missed my bus going home from QvB station. Seeing that it would take another twenty minutes I decided to walk home. I'm glad I did. Something about walking in the rain (with an umbrella of course) feels nice, even a bit soothing. It's also a time where I can think about things, let my mind wander, that kind of jazz.

Actually have no idea why I'm writing this, just felt like sharing my simple experience of walking in the rain. Got an exam tomorrow, I'm confident, but it's a fool's confidence, as I haven't really gone through the lectures properly and my study has been solely on last years paper.