Resolve

Teaching classes

It's now been 2 weeks into my course classes. So far it's going okay, students who have taken my first class improved with the old stuff pretty well. I think there were new students too this week, but they came late and just stood at the back. So I did the change rows thing every now and then so they could see better, but then again there's a dilemma I feel that I shouldn't really be helping them catch up since it would be unfair to those who paid for the first class. But it's okay I only quickly skimmed it and the previous students know it anyway. Also unsure if the choreo itself is too hard, or I'm not being slow enough. Had people tell me to not keep learning new stuff, which meant I couldn't teach everything I wanted to this week. Also unsure if Jaye wants this to be a performance like his BTS class. When I think about it I dread the formations that I'll need to do..

I do a decent job, right?

Uni life

Wait what uni life? Just got reminded that I'll need to choose electives and set timetables soon. No more biology/physiology stuff now but now it's just chem and pharmacology. I felt like doing Japanese as my elective cause I thought it would be easy so I saved it for my last year. But after watching Ling and Norman study it, I'm not so sure anymore. I'll probably end up doing it anyway, cause I can't think of anything. I also need to do one more free elective next sem. Not sure what it'll be though.

I also want to start kendo next year, it'll probably just mean staying back in uni one or two days a week. I want to do it because it's not just about learning how to hit people with sticks. I heard it's actually quite philosophical and has teachings applicable to life, compared to karate. Probably due to the philosophies and virtues of the samurai. My ambition is to reach 1st Dan. For those who don't know, you start off as 9th Kyu, then down to 1st Kyu, then after that is 1st Dan which then goes up to like 8th Dan. So pretty much midway. Hopefully I'll improve myself as a person along the way.

Media

Now that I'm head, I feel like things can actually happen. I think media has a huge potential and I just need to come up with ideas. First of all I'll need to figure out a workflow. Gonna need to wait for the second computer to be installed to implement them.

misc.

Just remembered I could talk about work but way too ceebs right now. Anyways currently watching this ongoing new anime, which I think is the best thing ever. I won't say the name of it for reasons... but if you're curious you can ask haha. People would either think it's the best thing ever, or the most ridiculous piece of garbage, don't think there's a middle ground. That's all for now, getting sleepy.

Where to go from here

This month so far has been quite eventful. Things happened which made me really depressed, to the point where my mind tore itself apart. Ultimately I confronted ____, and got the truth. I wish I could say I was surprised, but I'm not. Deep down I believed this was the reason why there was silence between us. However what really made me sad, was being treated like less of a friend. The fun atmosphere I had between you and I, before things got complicated was gone. Well, at least people can't say that we get along really well anymore. What also made me sad, was that you didn't tell me. I tried so hard to keep things together, when it was really for nothing.

I actually believe this is karma. I knew somehow I would have to pay for the things I've done. I suppose it is better this way. Now I'm here, wandering with no sense of direction with no clear goal. On the plus side, things are quiet now. Maybe my goal shall be peace.

Although for some reason, this person gets on my nerves. Maybe it's because things are quiet that my mind has nothing to do but feel anger. Probably not, during that eventful week, him and other things at the studio made me feel so sick, I had to go outside and walk around like twice. I don't know, things just feel so unnatural. Guess this person isn't the type of person I'd get along with. Even though when I met him the first time which was like ages ago, I tried to like him but then I guess I had to be someone of importance to be noticed. One thing's for sure, I don't want this person involved in my life, at all.

So much for finding peace eh? Well nobody said it was easy.

Been listening to this for awhile now, maybe it's my anthem?

The greatest gift

Now You See Me

After watching it I can say that it was a good movie. There are movies that you feel obliged to watch like Iron Man 3, Man of Steel, etc and then there are movies like this where you don't really have to watch it but when you do you feel like you haven't wasted money.

The movie was quite noticeably fast paced with only minimal slow moments which made the movie as a whole more exciting like one of the magic acts. But then this is at the cost of not getting that deep into any of the characters all you got was small back story (if any) and personal traits. Then there's that Interpol woman, she seemed quite out of place, as in how she got involved in the first place didn't seem believable and wasn't really explained. Be that as it may, watching the entire movie unfold was entertainment in itself. Also there's a sequel confirmed, expectations run high now haha

Uni Life

In week 3 now, and so far so good. This week I don't have 2 labs which gives me time to not stress so much and catch up on work. I've made it my goal to at least try to be ahead in all lectures, cause depending on lecturer it makes quite a difference. Once you've read over it and stuff you now won't be caught off guard on what happens in the lecture. You won't have to waste brain power trying to learn what's going on as it happens and most importantly you can put all your attention to what the lecturer says. Tomorrow I have the whole day to myself, so I expect myself to complete all work by then, hopefully. I still don't like my CHEM2021 labs. Demonstrators are really uptight except for one who actually helps us with our experiment. That guy is the only reason to keep hope that future labs won't be so bad.


Feelings (lol)

Bet you weren't expecting I'd be writing about this kind of stuff huh? Well with all this talk about feelings I feel like talking about them too, but then my problems aren't as important as the others in terms of where we currently are in our lives. So I suppose I'll just write about them here, for people interested.

For me I just can't shake the feeling of uncertainty. It's probably just paranoia but I'm not sure if it's the normal amount or the bad amount. Then there's feelings of inadequacy too but that comes and goes. Luckily today I found some words that gave me an instant morale boost. It goes like this:

These words have given me more motivation to keep working on myself and being the best I can be, to always stay positive and improve in any way I can. But at the end of the day, I still miss you.

And I wonder if you ever miss me too. 

one more thing

I walked away not because I was mad, if it was to be between you or me, I want you to be the one happy surrounded by friends.

blogs?

I had an unfinished blog this week about stuff like my birthday and stuff. But after seeing other blogs I feel like not finishing it anymore, not because of the contents of that blog (which wasn't much anyway) but because I myself feel, in a way, lost for words.

Atonement

It's 2AM and I totally put this off, now I feel so tired to think and write. But anyways I said I would write one and I will do so!

Recently, events have passed and things have changed dramatically for me. For the longest time I've been fighting the conflicts inside me and it's led up to this day. Feelings were resolved and things went better than expected. In fact wow, I didn't lose anybody important to me. It seems like one of those worked up over nothing deals and all you had to do was simple and things would have been alright. But then that feeling usually happens after it's happened. There was no way anyone could have convinced me that before it happens. Sometimes fear takes a strong hold on you.

It actually feels like the end of a story for me. Well obviously not exactly, but yes a major part of my life has concluded but there's a new story waiting to unfold. This ending was a happy one, I managed keep a very important person as my friend. And my friends, are still my friends who I'm always grateful for.

Saturday was for me the epilogue of the story. It was time to tie up all loose ends. I'm not proud of what I did. The guilt I feel can't be measured. I lied to you, even though I hated lying so much. You know my reasons, but others don't. I don't want to talk specifics here, but I do intend to talk about it to those willing to listen.

Now to the title of this post. You understood me when I told you my reasons and I'm so grateful. But that still doesn't mean I don't have to pay for the crimes I've committed. I owe you and everyone so much, and this is how I'm going to do it. I'm going to do my best to be a good friend to you. And for everyone else I am going to do my best and be there for everyone else too. I'm going to be the good person you say I am and be worthy of having people look up to me like you said. I actually don't know what it is about me that would make me worthy, but as long as I'm completely honest with myself, it should be okay.

If you ever need to continue talking about this, I'll always be there. And now it's 3AM. Time for sleep.

Mortem

Been raining all week, it's been a crazy week, being at uni everyday just like last semester, though it's different. Company has changed, and while it's obviously a different feeling, I appreciate it nonetheless.

Almost everyday I think about death. Not saying I want to commit suicide, no choosing to die is not the same as not having the choice given to you. Just saying that if I were to suddenly die without a choice, it wouldn't be so bad. As long as I work hard and do my best for myself and others while I'm still breathing then I have no regrets. My only regret is that I've let things become the way they are. The irony of things is that I don't want people to get hurt, yet people are hurting. How could I hurt people you may ask. Well probably because I'm fighting demons. Yeah this is the first time I've ever admitted to this kind of thing but then again who doesn't have demons? I wrote a whole post about these demons of mine, well it's not finished, but I never intended to post it anyway. Why am I even saying all this stuff now? I suppose it's about time I stopped pretending that I was 100% fine. But then again who is really?

I hope things will be okay. Only time will tell.