I guess hardship makes you think about what you really want in life

After thinking about it, my goals in life are:

- to become independent
- to get a decent job (any job) so I can:
- continue kendo
- and look after my mother and any future family

anything else is a bonus, but I wish I could just skip time and get there.

...

My life might have taken a turn for the worst. If that's the case, I don't know how I'll cope or handle it. I don't know what to do and I'm scared. I can't afford to make any mistakes. I still can't believe what I saw, part of me really wants me to pretend I was wrong. But I am 90% sure of what I saw, and it's quite haunting.

To those who read this, don't take things for granted, cause right now I would trade my life for anyone of yours.

Moral choices

What lengths would you go to do what was right? If someone was not working as hard as expected, to the point of stressing you and others, would you do something about it?

Just saying now that this is about what happened in my uni, so pretty much anyone reading this wouldn't know what I'm talking about. Anyways yeah. A person found out I was one of the people who gave this person a less than good peer evaluation. Because that person legit didn't do a good job, and it forced the rest of us to work harder. But now this person thinks I'm the sole cause of the drop in the marks and proceeded to delete me on facebook. And then block me.

Now I'm wondering if I did the right thing. Should I have done what usual students do and just fudge it and give everyone good review? Well maybe I would if it wasn't that bad, but if it pissed my friend off, then it had to be pretty bad. But I don't believe in that. Seems like all students care about is the numbers that get them the degree, without actually caring about the things taught along the way. I had the opportunity of having a great chemistry demonstrator, who won't be demonstrating anymore because he believed that the system was wrong. 

In our lab, we get marked on how much product we make. Now thing is, they don't actually check, they just have to look at our report. Also purity of the compound isn't checked, so I could literally add sand and no one could prove me wrong that I had a low yield. This makes puts a focus on just that, getting a good yield, and not actually learning how to do it. Like really, they didn't teach us any techniques to increase yield, so pretty much the lecture content doesn't really play a big part in this.

Anyways what he said was that people only care about the piece of paper at the end of the degree, but unless we take what was taught, that's all it will be, a piece of paper. Looking at myself, that's pretty true, I memorise things just so I can get marks, then forget about them. Would I have any skills by the time I graduate? I hope so. But yeah, it's hard when some things aren't interesting to me.

Going back on topic, While it is regretful that I caused someone displeasure, at least it's targeted at me only. I can deal with that, as long as the others are fine.

Last week of uni, and exams starts soon. Strangely, this is my favourite time of the semester. Well, there's nothing new to learn, and something about spending an entire day with my friends feels nice. But now, things have changed, things aren't the same anymore and how that would affect things, I don't know. All I know is that as long as I can be there and helpful for the people I care about, I'm happy.

Resolve

Teaching classes

It's now been 2 weeks into my course classes. So far it's going okay, students who have taken my first class improved with the old stuff pretty well. I think there were new students too this week, but they came late and just stood at the back. So I did the change rows thing every now and then so they could see better, but then again there's a dilemma I feel that I shouldn't really be helping them catch up since it would be unfair to those who paid for the first class. But it's okay I only quickly skimmed it and the previous students know it anyway. Also unsure if the choreo itself is too hard, or I'm not being slow enough. Had people tell me to not keep learning new stuff, which meant I couldn't teach everything I wanted to this week. Also unsure if Jaye wants this to be a performance like his BTS class. When I think about it I dread the formations that I'll need to do..

I do a decent job, right?

Uni life

Wait what uni life? Just got reminded that I'll need to choose electives and set timetables soon. No more biology/physiology stuff now but now it's just chem and pharmacology. I felt like doing Japanese as my elective cause I thought it would be easy so I saved it for my last year. But after watching Ling and Norman study it, I'm not so sure anymore. I'll probably end up doing it anyway, cause I can't think of anything. I also need to do one more free elective next sem. Not sure what it'll be though.

I also want to start kendo next year, it'll probably just mean staying back in uni one or two days a week. I want to do it because it's not just about learning how to hit people with sticks. I heard it's actually quite philosophical and has teachings applicable to life, compared to karate. Probably due to the philosophies and virtues of the samurai. My ambition is to reach 1st Dan. For those who don't know, you start off as 9th Kyu, then down to 1st Kyu, then after that is 1st Dan which then goes up to like 8th Dan. So pretty much midway. Hopefully I'll improve myself as a person along the way.

Media

Now that I'm head, I feel like things can actually happen. I think media has a huge potential and I just need to come up with ideas. First of all I'll need to figure out a workflow. Gonna need to wait for the second computer to be installed to implement them.

misc.

Just remembered I could talk about work but way too ceebs right now. Anyways currently watching this ongoing new anime, which I think is the best thing ever. I won't say the name of it for reasons... but if you're curious you can ask haha. People would either think it's the best thing ever, or the most ridiculous piece of garbage, don't think there's a middle ground. That's all for now, getting sleepy.

Where to go from here

This month so far has been quite eventful. Things happened which made me really depressed, to the point where my mind tore itself apart. Ultimately I confronted ____, and got the truth. I wish I could say I was surprised, but I'm not. Deep down I believed this was the reason why there was silence between us. However what really made me sad, was being treated like less of a friend. The fun atmosphere I had between you and I, before things got complicated was gone. Well, at least people can't say that we get along really well anymore. What also made me sad, was that you didn't tell me. I tried so hard to keep things together, when it was really for nothing.

I actually believe this is karma. I knew somehow I would have to pay for the things I've done. I suppose it is better this way. Now I'm here, wandering with no sense of direction with no clear goal. On the plus side, things are quiet now. Maybe my goal shall be peace.

Although for some reason, this person gets on my nerves. Maybe it's because things are quiet that my mind has nothing to do but feel anger. Probably not, during that eventful week, him and other things at the studio made me feel so sick, I had to go outside and walk around like twice. I don't know, things just feel so unnatural. Guess this person isn't the type of person I'd get along with. Even though when I met him the first time which was like ages ago, I tried to like him but then I guess I had to be someone of importance to be noticed. One thing's for sure, I don't want this person involved in my life, at all.

So much for finding peace eh? Well nobody said it was easy.

Been listening to this for awhile now, maybe it's my anthem?

The greatest gift

Now You See Me

After watching it I can say that it was a good movie. There are movies that you feel obliged to watch like Iron Man 3, Man of Steel, etc and then there are movies like this where you don't really have to watch it but when you do you feel like you haven't wasted money.

The movie was quite noticeably fast paced with only minimal slow moments which made the movie as a whole more exciting like one of the magic acts. But then this is at the cost of not getting that deep into any of the characters all you got was small back story (if any) and personal traits. Then there's that Interpol woman, she seemed quite out of place, as in how she got involved in the first place didn't seem believable and wasn't really explained. Be that as it may, watching the entire movie unfold was entertainment in itself. Also there's a sequel confirmed, expectations run high now haha

Uni Life

In week 3 now, and so far so good. This week I don't have 2 labs which gives me time to not stress so much and catch up on work. I've made it my goal to at least try to be ahead in all lectures, cause depending on lecturer it makes quite a difference. Once you've read over it and stuff you now won't be caught off guard on what happens in the lecture. You won't have to waste brain power trying to learn what's going on as it happens and most importantly you can put all your attention to what the lecturer says. Tomorrow I have the whole day to myself, so I expect myself to complete all work by then, hopefully. I still don't like my CHEM2021 labs. Demonstrators are really uptight except for one who actually helps us with our experiment. That guy is the only reason to keep hope that future labs won't be so bad.


Feelings (lol)

Bet you weren't expecting I'd be writing about this kind of stuff huh? Well with all this talk about feelings I feel like talking about them too, but then my problems aren't as important as the others in terms of where we currently are in our lives. So I suppose I'll just write about them here, for people interested.

For me I just can't shake the feeling of uncertainty. It's probably just paranoia but I'm not sure if it's the normal amount or the bad amount. Then there's feelings of inadequacy too but that comes and goes. Luckily today I found some words that gave me an instant morale boost. It goes like this:

These words have given me more motivation to keep working on myself and being the best I can be, to always stay positive and improve in any way I can. But at the end of the day, I still miss you.

And I wonder if you ever miss me too. 

one more thing

I walked away not because I was mad, if it was to be between you or me, I want you to be the one happy surrounded by friends.

blogs?

I had an unfinished blog this week about stuff like my birthday and stuff. But after seeing other blogs I feel like not finishing it anymore, not because of the contents of that blog (which wasn't much anyway) but because I myself feel, in a way, lost for words.

Atonement

It's 2AM and I totally put this off, now I feel so tired to think and write. But anyways I said I would write one and I will do so!

Recently, events have passed and things have changed dramatically for me. For the longest time I've been fighting the conflicts inside me and it's led up to this day. Feelings were resolved and things went better than expected. In fact wow, I didn't lose anybody important to me. It seems like one of those worked up over nothing deals and all you had to do was simple and things would have been alright. But then that feeling usually happens after it's happened. There was no way anyone could have convinced me that before it happens. Sometimes fear takes a strong hold on you.

It actually feels like the end of a story for me. Well obviously not exactly, but yes a major part of my life has concluded but there's a new story waiting to unfold. This ending was a happy one, I managed keep a very important person as my friend. And my friends, are still my friends who I'm always grateful for.

Saturday was for me the epilogue of the story. It was time to tie up all loose ends. I'm not proud of what I did. The guilt I feel can't be measured. I lied to you, even though I hated lying so much. You know my reasons, but others don't. I don't want to talk specifics here, but I do intend to talk about it to those willing to listen.

Now to the title of this post. You understood me when I told you my reasons and I'm so grateful. But that still doesn't mean I don't have to pay for the crimes I've committed. I owe you and everyone so much, and this is how I'm going to do it. I'm going to do my best to be a good friend to you. And for everyone else I am going to do my best and be there for everyone else too. I'm going to be the good person you say I am and be worthy of having people look up to me like you said. I actually don't know what it is about me that would make me worthy, but as long as I'm completely honest with myself, it should be okay.

If you ever need to continue talking about this, I'll always be there. And now it's 3AM. Time for sleep.

Mortem

Been raining all week, it's been a crazy week, being at uni everyday just like last semester, though it's different. Company has changed, and while it's obviously a different feeling, I appreciate it nonetheless.

Almost everyday I think about death. Not saying I want to commit suicide, no choosing to die is not the same as not having the choice given to you. Just saying that if I were to suddenly die without a choice, it wouldn't be so bad. As long as I work hard and do my best for myself and others while I'm still breathing then I have no regrets. My only regret is that I've let things become the way they are. The irony of things is that I don't want people to get hurt, yet people are hurting. How could I hurt people you may ask. Well probably because I'm fighting demons. Yeah this is the first time I've ever admitted to this kind of thing but then again who doesn't have demons? I wrote a whole post about these demons of mine, well it's not finished, but I never intended to post it anyway. Why am I even saying all this stuff now? I suppose it's about time I stopped pretending that I was 100% fine. But then again who is really?

I hope things will be okay. Only time will tell.

Rain

Today I missed my bus going home from QvB station. Seeing that it would take another twenty minutes I decided to walk home. I'm glad I did. Something about walking in the rain (with an umbrella of course) feels nice, even a bit soothing. It's also a time where I can think about things, let my mind wander, that kind of jazz.

Actually have no idea why I'm writing this, just felt like sharing my simple experience of walking in the rain. Got an exam tomorrow, I'm confident, but it's a fool's confidence, as I haven't really gone through the lectures properly and my study has been solely on last years paper.

What's happenin?

Currently enjoying B1A4's new song, which like almost all the new songs out seem like a bunch of random songs in one. First time I heard something like that was B.A.P's No Mercy. Yeah was I the only one who found the huge contrast in the parts of songs weird? Anyways Jaye was going to do B1A4's song so I decided I could spend a few hours heading over and checking it out. In a turn of events I ended up teaching which I did not expect doing, especially since I haven't taught in ages. And I haven't even learnt it enough to teach. Luckily I had 15 minutes to learn it properly.

Had three students, one of which was a total new person. They seemed to cope well, I mean I wasn't prepared mentally and knowledgeably but I did the best I could. Luckily the dance wasn't too hard, I ended up teaching the entire song, though only 2/3 students found it easy. Which makes me wonder how I should help the other person, do I slow the entire class down for the one person at the expense of the others? Or is it a balance thing?

I've learned a lot from Alan not just in popping but in dance and teaching. I kinda wanted to try out some teaching methods like some kind of experiment but yeah I was rushed, didn't even get to stretch the class so it felt weird if I tried to do so. Maybe next time, whenever that is haha.

On the uni side, I have another quiz to do on Friday, hopefully I'll be ready by then. Going to hit the library every day after class, including Wednesday which sucks but I have to make that sacrifice now. Anyways Friday would be more fun anyway, probably. If only I didn't have to deal with 3 labs before that quiz. Luckily Ling let me use his excel template so I didn't have to do any prework. Now I have to deal with Physical Chem and Physiology lab. I hope PHSL doesn't pull another random quiz which I totally failed last time.

I noticed I used the word lucky in this post a lot. Which makes me think of how lucky I am to have friends I can count on and etc. But there's the back in my head thing of doubting that I deserve it all. I feel so weak these days, I just want to break out of it.

So out of it

1:45AM now, I should be working on my lab reports due on Monday but I'm so out of it. I have to complete five reports and yeah that includes writing out the results and completing the questions which I am totally lazy to do right now. So far I've managed to gather them up and put them on the floor to organise. At the same time I'm converting footage from kpop summit which is taking forever and it's quite a drag. Wouldn't have this problem if we stopped using tape cameras. But yeah we all agreed not to use that anymore. I suppose that this is another pressure on me to do things but not much I can do to make things easier, this is the work that must be done. I signed up for this. Did I mention how out of it I feel? lol.

I don't know if it's that second year is harder or that I'm being more lazy, but I feel like I'm going to get lower grades than I ever got. Not that it worries me right now, I'll see how it turns out at the end of semester. But for the moment, seems like there are so many things happening right now and I can't keep up. So many problems. I just want to rest for a bit. Maybe do some exercise.

Pretty excited for Iron Man 3 though.

Up in the air

lol I just realised my most recent post was that sad one and it's been there for like ages now, how awkward. Anyways, I just finished my midsem for Analytical Chemistry which technically has no chemistry theory but a lot of maths stuff. Damn statistics, I thought I escaped you! Turns out you're involved in EVERY SINGLE experiment I do. Now that that's done I can now relax a bit for now. Lately I've been up late (latest I've been was 4am) mostly due to studying for exams as well as having to do work that is due like online quizzes and prelabs.

Luckily keeping me sane during late night studies has been Infinite's Man in Love. I find it a very nice song and it gets me pumped to do work.

Parents made green tea creme brulee. I wanted to make them myself haha but that's okay, I'll do it next time.

Popping intensive with Alan has been quite challenging, especially since I essentially have to master everything he teaches in class before the next class, and then be able to use it in freestyle... Yeah I haven't really set time to just practice with music. Just two more weeks till the course finishes. I already miss bumper cars/late night times with the others ):

Oh sweet 30 Seconds to Mars is going to release their new MV soon, although the song has been out for a bit now. I feel like 30STM put the art in artist. They seem to do a lot of big things, and things that haven't been done before. Their most recent action? Using NASA to sent their new album into space.

my mind is shattered to many pieces. I don't know when or how this happened exactly but I no longer think with a complete mind. Thoughts go in all directions I think I might go insane. I hope time can cure me of my mind.

e.g.
I suppose the difference between you and me is that I do not fear loneliness. Sometimes I think that loneliness is all I deserve.

Cooking Time - Crème brûlée

Today I tried out my hand at making a Crème brûlée. It didn't require a sophisticated amount of ingredients so yeah this is what happened.

Ingredients

Everything was easy to obtain, except the vanilla beans. Sure I could have gotten the essence but that sounded so artificial and I managed to find some at World Square albeit a hefty price of $8 per 4 pods.

Process

Scolding the cream and added the vanilla

Whisking eggs and sugar. My arm got really sore from whisking

Once the cream was ready I mixed it with the eggs

Placed the mix into the ramekins. Hmm they were right, it does serve four

Into the oven for 40 minutes. Realised I didn't preheat the oven. Also this oven confuses me. So many modes.

Out of the oven, looking good so far. Waited for it to cool before fridging them.

Finished product

After taking them out of the fridge I decided to experiment with different sugars for the caramel. I thought brown sugar would be good but my brown sugar was way too clumpy and didn't distribute well. My parents wanted to try their sugar and it turned out okay (left) but the sugar granules were a bit too big to make a good layer. Lastly I tried the caster sugar that I cooked with. The powder texture of the sugar made caramelising much easier. Next time I'll try brown caster sugar or something.

Verdict

They tasted okay, however they didn't set! Unsure where I went wrong but it was like eating custard. It might have been the oven so next time I'll take proper care of that part. I took some notes so I'll try again next time. Also I need better utensils such as measuring cups and etc, to make it more efficient. I also didn't preheat the oven, so I wasted precious time waiting for the oven to get ready. So I'll definitely make starting the oven the first thing I do.

The Will of Fire

Not sure if people noticed but I'm phasing in a new way of formatting my blogs. I think this way readers can make skim reading and navigation even more easier. Enjoy!


Pokemon X and Y

Holy crap I haven't been impressed/excited by a Pokemon game in a long time. What stands out is the fact that there pretty much isn't any 2D sprites both in battles or free roaming. Perhaps the only thing that could kill it for me is if the new Pokemon designs were crap like the ones in Black and White. That was pretty much the reason why I never opted for it. The starters look decent but not awesome. I actually have no idea who to start with, since they all look like viable choices (including grass muahaha). I'll probably cheat and see what they look like when they're fully evolved. However what caught my eye was the legendary Pokemon Yveltal (ee-vel-tall) which looks totally awesome. I like it much better than the other one Xerneas which looks like a deer. I'll definitely get Y version assuming that's where I can catch it. Here's the original artwork of the two.

Now that I think about it, it looks like a cross between Lugia and Groudon, my favourite legendaries in their respective versions.

Are those swords for feet?

Also here's my favourite fan artwork so far.

if the starters actually looked like this, I'd go for the water type.

Wednesday happenings

We were supposed to take class but we ended up discussing what songs we should do for the upcoming shows which is also good, hopefully we have time to make it look good by then. Song choices were set, I like them and I hope others like them too. Also tried watermelon Gatorade today. It didn't really taste like watermelon nor Gatorade. I swear it's like Mizone. Afterwards was dinner at Eating World. I don't think I/we have eaten there in a long time. It also feels like a long time since everyone (well everyone as it can get) were all together to have said dinner. It was nice having a dinner like that again.

Three people are heading to Melbourne for a week starting tomorrow/Thursday. I wish them safe journey and an enjoyable week. The purpose of trips like this is to have fun together, hopefully by the end they'd be a little sad that their trip is over haha.

The Crossover 2, and other things

I remember distinctly, when it was almost IJGK's time to perform on stage at Wesley, there were some of the kids who did kpop were telling each other that we were about to perform and that they really wanted to see it. Our performance wasn't the best, but by then I had realised that we had become something out of the ordinary.

Looking at it, we have something others don't, and I know some who would like to have something like we do. Kinda like how I would like to have peeps to mess around with videomaking with me. Not really that big of an epiphany but it does however give me new found motivation to work hard and not waste the time we have, and to do the best we can.

Recently heard about hate/criticism about us and what we do. I guess it's only fair since some of us (me included) are guilty of criticising other cover peoples who aren't great. But hopefully that's been happening less over time. If there are criticisms then good, we'll take it, and make ourselves better because of it. As for the second thing, I don't know why people would make a big deal out of it. It's not like this so called scene is going to grow bigger than theirs. People have their preferences and there should be a mutual respect for all. Real dancing or not, what happened to the freedom of doing what we love? 

Anyways rants aside, 2011 and 2012 were filled with a lot of shows, from awesome to downright random cough-chineserestaurant-cough. Regardless I've had a great time doing all of them. And I'm not afraid of what the future holds.


A quote from Naruto Shippuden

To those who posess the Will of Fire, everyone is family. It is the desire to protect which strengthens our bonds. If this will is embraced by everyone, the village will be alright, no matter what happens.

Reset

New Years Resolution time

Now that the new year is upon us, it is time for some resolutions to be made.

Resolutions:

Get more organised for study

The common resolution usually involves study or organisation, or both. It's always beneficial to be organised which makes things easier by the time exams hit. Hopefully this semester I'll have no trouble with it. Keep notes in check and take the time to sort them out. Maybe buy a folder or something. Spend at least an hour everyday after class at uni to go over the day's work. I mustn't be lazy and go straight home/city. It's hard to do work at home anyway.

Get more involved with other people and things

In other words get out there and try something new, with other people. There's opportunities to be found and they are best when you are not at home doing nothing.

More dance!

Dance is good for the soul. I also intend to help build on the dance scene here in Sydney, apparently we need it. Still working on popping, but I feel like I've made some progress, by that I mean leg hits, I can totally do them now haha. But I still need to work on them foundations. My aim is to do other muscles such as the stomach and chest because they're totally muscles, that can pop.

Learn new skills

It's always good to learn something new which can open doors for you. Maybe I'll look into HTML or something. Also skateboards are cool, just saying.

Make the bed every day

I don't normally take the time and effort to making my bed, usually I just make it look neat. But today I spent the effort doing it well, we're talking hospital folds up in this ****. It made me feel good every time I look at my bed. I guess it's a good discipline thing to do, and yeah there's always room for more discipline. Perfect for resolutions.

Bonds

Finally it's important not to forget those around you, the people who you've met and share bonds with. Even if they won't always be there for you, do your best to always be there for them. I also need to keep and strengthen a certain bond. My strongest one, the person I care about the most.

Quick trip

So the other day I went to Melbourne for Christmas. I pretty much flew in Tuesday morning then left for Sydney on Wednesday night. Went by pretty quickly.

This was also the first time I used an electronic on the plane. You know how you're allowed to use if after take off. The trip was quite boring so I just listened to my mp3 the whole trip. I got to Melbourne and once we got to the hotel we decided to take a look around. Unfortunately we forgot it was Christmas day and that a lot of places were closed. So we just wandered around anyways. We found that a lot of things changed since the last time we were here. A lot of stores have been replaced with other stores, etc. We went back to our rooms. Turns out they had Cartoon Network which showed nothing but Adventure Time, Regular Show and occasionally other shows such as Chowder and The Amazing World Of Gumball. We had dinner at this Japanese place. I recognised this as the place we had teppanyaki but we didn't have teppanyaki, we had regular food instead.

The next day we went to a Chinese place for lunch. We had yumcha foods without the random waiters serving with food trolleys. Also the tea tasted weird, not sure what tea it was but it had like an almond taste to it. Afterwards my brother and I went to the city to look around. There were a lot of nice buildings and bridges there. In the city there was a camera store that also had a museum of old cameras. It was so awesome to see all the old film cameras especially Leica up close. Too bad they weren't for sale. I would have seriously considered buying something lol. Afterwards we just wandered elsewhere, went to JB HiFi which was like separated into 3 stores for some reason. We saw the Wii U and played it for a while. Too bad it only had like 2 demos. We played Super Mario in co-op mode and the one with the tablet was no help at all. All you do is make platforms out of nowhere.

We went back to the hotel and my mother decided she would buy me pants, cause apparently I need more pants. We had dinner at the Chinese place again. Then we were on our way back to Sydney. Didn't listen to music but slept instead.

Unwinding

Today was a slow day, which for me was quite relaxing. Slept in late, played some games, watch youtube, etc. My brother wanted to eat, so we ended up going outside for lunch. We ate at the new Tenkomori Ramen House which has become my favourite ramen place. Though I miss Mappen, I'll go next time it's hot, perfect for some cold soba. I tried the spicy pork ramen, the pork tasted nice but the soup turned spicy which wasn't my cup of tea.

Afterwards I felt like dealing with B1A4's song in my head from yesterday, by buying their album... lol

Came with a photo card of Jinyoung, I preferred glasses guy but he's cool too.

The other songs are good too, so the album wasn't a waste lol. So far my favourites are 

1. In The Wind (despite it being an opening song, it's quite surreal and I like it), 

2. 걸어 본다/Try To Walk (Jinyoung wrote this song. That's awesome.)

3. IF... 

7. In The Air

Haven't really listened to the album properly yet though. Makes me wish I bring headphones with me when I go out.